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So it has come to this, has it? Charles Dickens’ “A
Christmas Carol” reinterpreted as a romantic comedy. I don’t
know--something about this doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe
it has something to do with the fact that “A Christmas Carol”
is a tale of spiritual and emotional redemption, in part
about accepting Christmas as a holiday but more so about
opening yourself up to love and happiness. ***
“Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” pretends to be those things,
but at its core, it’s really nothing more than a dime-a-dozen
fable about how to get the girl. In all likelihood, this
would have been acceptable had the filmmakers not opted
for a modernized adaptation of Dickens’ story. I’ve seen
many romantic comedies, and since they all tell the exact
same story, recommending them comes down which has the most
style and the best overall structure. “Ghosts of Girlfriends
Past” falls short in both categories. ***
In this version of the story, money lender Ebenezer
Scrooge is changed to photographer Conner Mead (Matthew
McConaughey), and instead of the Christmas season, he finds
fault with anything relating to love and lasting relationships.
So strongly does he despise these concepts that he openly
lambasts his brother, Paul (Breckin Meyer), who’s only one
day away from tying the knot with his high-strung fiancée,
Sandra (Lacey Chabert). ***
After making everyone feel like a loser during the
rehearsal dinner, Conner steps into the bathroom and has
an encounter with the ghost of his uncle, Wayne (Michael
Douglas), who spent his adult life going from one woman
to the next without any regard for their feelings. Now that
he’s dead, he wants Conner to change his ways so as not
to end up alone and miserable. With any luck, he’ll finally
come around and get back together with his childhood sweetheart,
Jenny Perotti (Jennifer Garner), who Conner hurt many years
ago. ***
Unlike Jacob Marley, Uncle Wayne is not shackled by
a chain forged from his mortal acts of greed; the only prop
we see him with is a glass of scotch (or bourbon, or whiskey,
or whatever), which isn’t the most convincing sign that
his soul is trapped in purgatory. ***
Uncle Wayne tells Conner pretty much the exact same
thing Jacob Marley says to Scrooge: “You will be haunted
by three Spirits. Without their visits, you cannot hope
to shun the path I tread.” Here enters the Ghost of Girlfriends
Past (Emma Stone), who takes Conner back in time to see
what turned him into such a cold-hearted man. ***
The strange thing is, this “ghost” technically isn’t
dead--she’s like the ectoplasmic echo of a geeky sixteen-year-old
girl named Allison Vandermeersh, who Conner had sex with
when he was only a teenager back in the 1980s. Whatever
happened to Allison over the years is something the film
never bothers to address, but regardless, her “ghost” forces
Conner to relive many experiences, none more important than
the ones that included Jenny. ***
It isn’t long before Conner meets the Ghost of Girlfriends
Present, another manifestation of a woman who isn’t actually
dead. This time, it’s Conner’s assistant, Melanie (Noureen
DeWulf)--they never actually dated, but as she tells him,
she’s the closest there is to a consistent woman in his
life. Soon afterwards, he meets the Ghost of Girlfriends
Yet to Come, who looks not like a personification of death
but like a shrouded angel. She doesn’t say a word, but she
knows how to get a point across. ***
Intertwined with all this is a subplot involving a
secret Paul has been keeping from Sandra, one that a trio
of desperate man-seekers has found out about. This, naturally,
plays a big part in Conner’s rehabilitation, which is just
as inevitable as Scrooge’s epiphany in “A Christmas Carol.”
But the problem here has nothing to do with inevitability;
Dickens’ story is simply not suitable material for a romantic
comedy. ***
The ultimate message “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” sends
is that, with just a few different moves, you’ll end up
winning the girl you were meant to win. I find this incredibly
shallow, insensitive, and worst of all, unromantic. There’s
no point in adapting Dickens’ story if the goal is to follow
the classic formula of Boy Gets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Boy
Gets Girl Back. ***
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