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There are some movies that genuinely work hard at being
preposterous and looking phony, and “Land of the Lost” is
definitely one of them. This movie is in fact so preposterous
and phony that it’s actually kind of fun. Consider the appearance
of the dreaded Sleestaks, lizard-like creatures with big,
bulbous eyes and lots of sharp teeth; I could tell that
costume designer Mark Bridges was intentionally going for
the cheesy 1950s B-movie look (the only thing missing was
the zipper running down the front of the suit). ***
Also consider the haphazard appearance of the locations;
in this alternate dimension, it’s apparently permissible
for sprawling deserts, muggy swamps, and towering volcanoes
to be so geographically close to one another. And only in
such a place would bits and pieces of real architecture,
such as motels and bridges, poke out of the sand like forgotten
ruins. And to think this movie was given a $100 million
budget. I’m reminded of a Dolly Parton quote, given in reference
to her trademark image: “It takes a lot of money to look
this cheap.” ***
Where this movie goes wrong is in its tone. For a concept
that’s inherently family friendly, I was surprised at just
how crude “Land of the Lost” turned out to be, with swearing
and sexual innuendos pushing the boundaries of its PG-13
rating. I’m not saying that I’m against swearing and sexual
innuendo--I’m saying that, for this particular story, it
was stylistically out of place. ***
While I wasn’t yet born when the original Sid and Marty
Krofft TV series was on the air, I understand that it was
a Saturday morning event made for kids. Judging by the scenes
breast-grabbing, the references to heavy narcotics, and
the unsavory moment when Will Ferrell douses himself with
dinosaur urine, it seems that writers Chris Henchy and Dennis
McNicholas and director Brad Silberling wanted the feature
film to appeal to immature eighteen year olds. ***
The story: Ferrell plays Dr. Rick Marshall, who loses
all credibility when Matt Lauer of NBC’s Today trashes his
theories on inter-dimensional portals. By reaching into
another dimension, Marshall claims, we would be able to
import all sorts of new fossil fuels, which in turn would
solve our current energy crisis. Lauer, who says that Marshall’s
book can be found in the I’m Out of My Freakin’ Mind department
of a bookstore, is quick to point out that respected scientific
minds like Stephen Hawking think this theory is utterly
ridiculous. This interview goes so badly that Marshall is
reduced to teaching science to apathetic children in a subpar
classroom. ***
Along comes Holly Cantrell (Anna Friel), a British
scientist who was kicked out of Cambridge for believing
that Marshall’s theories have any merit. She convinces him
to follow her to the desert, bringing with him a machine
of his own design: A tachyon amplifier, which, for reasons
too complicated and inconsequential to mention, is able
to produce time warps. It also repeatedly plays the song
“I Hope I Get It” from “A Chorus Line,” and again, it’s
for inconsequential reasons. In the desert, Marshall and
Holly meet Will Stanton (Danny McBride), a clueless survivalist
who runs a hopelessly fake tourist attraction called Devil’s
Cave, sort of a funhouse crossed with a badly navigated
raft ride. ***
When Marshall turns on his tachyon machine, the entire
cave suddenly rumbles to life, sending our three heroes
over an impossibly massive waterfall and into a swirling
vortex, one that leads to a parallel dimension. They’ve
officially arrived in the Land of the Lost, a bizarre world
populated by super intelligent dinosaurs, mosquitoes that
can drink 1,000 times their weight in human blood, and a
sex-crazed half-monkey creature named Cha-Ka (Jorma Taccone),
who quickly becomes their companion. In due time, it becomes
a matter of life and death, the Sleestaks threatening to
reign supreme as masters of the universe. ***
It’s amazing how selective I can be when suspension
of disbelief is required. I was able to accept, for example,
that Holly just happens to understand and speak Cha-Ka’s
language, which is really just a series of grunts mixed
with prehistoric gobbledygook. ***
I was also able to accept the appearance of a gigantic
crab, which runs across the distant desert landscape before
falling through a patch of thin sand into boiling water,
which, apparently, is what flows underground. However, as
Marshall, Stanton, and Cha-Ka chow down on cooked pieces
of claw, I noticed they were spraying their food with a
humongous wedge of lemon. I just sat there and wondered,
“Where did they find such a big lemon?” There’s not one
scene that shows or even mentions the existence of extra
large citrus groves. ***
But that’s not the real problem here. While “Land of
the Lost” achieves much with its campy visuals and implausible
plot, it doesn’t get very far with its juvenile dialogue
and sophomoric gags. It’s as if the film were trying to
be a parody of the TV series, which is ridiculous since
the series was so badly made that it was essentially a parody
to begin with. The end result is a disappointing film, something
could have been a lot more fun if only it been a little
more family-oriented. ***
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