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What a character, that Paul Blart. Half of me liked
him a lot while the other half completely understood why
everyone writes him off. He’s like a high school kid trying
so hard to be popular that he doesn’t realize how silly
he’s making himself look. He takes his job as a mall security
guard far too seriously, and this is despite the fact that
he really wasn’t trained to handle the really tough situations.
***
At the same time, I saw that he’s a decent, honest
guy who loves his daughter and just wants someone other
than a family member loving him back. Who doesn’t want that?
Still, I wish someone had the guts to walk up to him, grab
him by the shoulders, and shake some sense into him. If
I were that person, I’d say to him, “Stop trying to be something
you’re not! For once in your life, just be yourself!” ***
“Paul Blart: Mall Cop” tells the story of a New Jersey
man who, through luck and a series of very improbable circumstances,
defends the West Orange Pavilion Mall against a band of
armed robbers on Black Friday, the busiest shopping day
of the year. The story is not very probable, but then again,
it probably wasn’t supposed to be. It is rated PG, after
all, which automatically suggests that it was intended for
a more family-friendly audience. ***
That’s fine, I guess, but it would have been nice if
screenwriters Kevin James and Nick Bakey had taken the time
to create something a bit more memorable; Paul Blart: Mall
Cop has its heart in the right place, but for all intents
and purposes, it isn’t worth remembering. Everything just
kind of passes before our eyes in a fluffy, innocent flash
of comedy. ***
The title character, played by co-writer Kevin James,
is introduced as he fails to complete an obstacle course
at the New Jersey State Police Academy. We quickly learn
that he suffers from hypoglycemia; when he doesn’t have
enough sugar in his system, he’s liable to pass out and
begin snoring. Because his poor health prevented him from
becoming a police officer, he’s forced to remain a mall
security guard, spending hours upon hours gliding past shops
and kiosks on a Segway. ***
As passionate as he is about his job, neither his coworkers
nor the shoppers think very highly of him. I felt bad, but
at the same time, I recognized that he was making himself
a very easy target; when you’re compelled to give a speeding
ticket to an old man driving a scooter, for example, it
should come as no surprise that you’re not being taken seriously.
***
Then comes that fateful day after Thanksgiving, when
people come out of the woodwork to go Christmas shopping.
As it nears closing time, a team of criminals disguised
as Santa’s elves infiltrate the mall and seize control.
The team leader, the classically villainous Veck Sims (Keir
O’Donnell), lets all but six people leave the mall. Blart,
who too busy playing Guitar Hero to notice either the takeover
or the evacuation, eventually realizes what’s going on and
decides to fight back. ***
This goes against the advice of Sergeant Howard (Adam
Ferrara), who, along with the rest of the West Orange police
force, is standing outside the mall, awaiting news of the
hostage situation. But Blart swore to himself that he would
protect the mall and all who are inside it, and by golly,
he’s going to protect the mall and all who are inside it.
Thus begins an amusing but predictable mission to stop the
bad guys before they get away with $30 million. ***
Intertwined with this story is a subplot about Blart’s
love life, or lack thereof. Ever since his wife left him
(for reasons too inconsequential to reveal), he’s been lonely
and depressed, and he relies on food to numb the pain. His
caring mother (Shirley Knight) and loving daughter, Maya
(Raini Rodriguez), do their best to encourage him, even
going so far as to help him start a profile page on Match.com.
It seems his only hope at finding love is a friendly but
distant woman named Amy (Jayma Mays), who works in the mall
at a hairpiece kiosk. ***
I could never really tell what she thought about Blart;
she clearly doesn’t like the man she’s dating--an arrogant
pen salesman named Stuart (Stephen Rannazzisi)--but she
doesn’t seem too comfortable around Blart, either. There
are moments when it feels like she’s being nice just because
she pities him. Granted, if I saw a decent man get drunk
in a bar and humiliate himself in front of an unassuming
mall staff, I’d be anxious around him, too. ***
That very scene is a perfect example of how desperate
the film’s sense of humor is. Most of the jokes are aimed
at making Blart look like a complete fool. None of them
are particularly funny, and the select few that are merely
amusing are unflatteringly derivative. ***
Consider a minor subplot involving a teenage Indian
boy named Pahud (Adhir Kalyan); his ex-girlfriend’s cell
phone was given to Blart (how he got it is unimportant),
enabling them to start an odd over-the-phone relationship.
This felt incredibly forced, especially when it’s revealed
that the cell phone is equipped with a tracking device.
That being said, I do give the filmmakers credit for not
going for the tried and true vulgarities that permeate most
of today’s comedies. ***
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