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“My Bloody Valentine 3-D” goes for all the cheap thrills,
none cheaper than the 3-D effects. This could very well
start a campaign to re-animate the gimmick movies pioneered
by filmmakers like William Castle, where 3-D glasses are
teamed with seat buzzers and costumed ushers running up
and down the aisles. ***
On the basis of this film, however, that may not be
a good thing to bring back; if you can look past the 3-D
effects, “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” is really no better than
your average teen slasher film, paying more attention to
gruesome death scenes and dark comedy than it does to story.
Want proof? As I was leaving the theater the day I saw it,
a group of about six or seven teenage girls were feverishly
giggling as one of them shouted, “Oh my God, he’s behind
you! Look out!” Had their thoughts run any deeper, they
would have left discussing the film’s one graphic sex scene
and the possibility that it could usher in an era of 3-D
pornography. ***
My own thoughts tend go in such directions when I really
don’t care about what I’m watching. The experience of wearing
3-D glasses should have been enough; after all, I’m seeing
all sorts of horrible things fly at me from off the screen,
from pickaxes to guns to spatters of blood. But somehow,
I didn’t find it very frightening. ***
Could it be that the whole 3-D thing was over-hyped?
I certainly didn’t think the visuals were all that impressive,
and this is despite a scene that involves both a naked woman
angry with a sleazy trucker, a dwarf motel manager that
dresses like a Southern prostitute, and a couple of really
bloody murders. There are also quite a few shots of the
tip of a pickaxe coming directly at us. ***
The story: Ten years ago, the town of Harmony lost
its reputation as a thriving mining community when an inexperienced
coal miner named Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) caused an
accident that killed five people and put one into a coma.
***
On Valentine’s Day one year later, that survivor, Harry
Warden, awakens and goes on a rampage, brutally killing
pretty much everyone in the hospital before returning to
Harmony to murder twenty-two people with a pickaxe. Dressed
in a sadistic-looking miner’s suit and a creepy mask, Harry
Warden met his end in Harmony’s coal mine, where Tom and
a group of friends had planned on having a party. ***
Flash forward exactly ten years. On Valentine’s Day,
Tom returns to Harmony to sell the mine, which was owned
by his father. He’s motivated by guilt over the five original
deaths, which unfortunately isn’t winning him any sympathy
from the locals. This goes double for Sheriff Axel Palmer
(Kerr Smith), who’s now married to Tom’s old flame, Sarah
(Jaime King). ***
As Tom struggles to come to terms with his past and
his broken relationship with Sarah, the residents of Harmony
live in fear of a new masked killer, whose trademark is
slicing open his victims, cutting out their hearts, and
placing them in a heart-shaped chocolate box. It is possible
that Harry Warden survived ten years ago, that he’s come
back for another night of terror? Or does Tom have something
to do with it, as Axel believes he does? Determined to prove
his innocence, Tom turns to Sarah, who may still have feelings
for him. ***
I neglected to mention at the start that this movie
is a remake of the 1981 film directed by George Mihalka
and written by John Beaird, which, as far as I know, was
not released in 3-D. Having not seen this version, I’m afraid
I can’t say how faithful this remake is. I can say that,
regardless of faithfulness, I have no plans to rent the
original film. It could be that I’m getting tired of teen
slasher films, with their unoriginal plots and cardboard
characters and death scenes that get less and less elaborate
with every rehash. ***
Let it be known that my problems with “My Bloody Valentine
3-D” have nothing to do with the violence or the over-the-top
gore effects. Believe me, I expected nothing less. My problems
stem from how bored I was; I felt as if I had seen the exact
same film before, and nothing, not even the 3-D effects,
were able to thrill me. ***
The annoying thing is that I can’t think of anything
that could have been done differently. Like romantic comedies,
slasher films rely heavily on a formula; if you deviate,
you no longer have a slasher film. Everything that happens
in “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” is supposed to happen, right
down to the self-indulgent plot twist that only makes sense
in the absence of logic. ***
So, since I can’t think of a way that this movie could
have been made better, the only conclusion I have is that
slasher films are past their prime. Not many will agree
with me, I know. On the basis of the audience’s reaction
the day I saw it, some might think I’m a horror fan who
has lost his way. Considering how thoroughly they were into
it, laughing and screaming pretty much all throughout, they
could be right.
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