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Michael Bay’s “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”
is an aggressive, incomprehensible film that has no ambition
other than to assault the senses with blinding special effects
and a hell of a lot of noise. There’s not a moment of entertainment
to be found in any of its self-indulgent 150 minutes ...
unless, of course, you find mindless action sequences and
inconsequential plots entertaining. ***
It follows the tradition of its equally God-awful predecessor
by bombarding us with tangled images of destruction before
pausing to be funny, although I use the term loosely since
I never laughed, although I did smirk once at an outburst
from one of the Transformer robots. I won’t spoil it for
you, seeing as there would no other reason to go see this
film once you know what it is. ***
The plot: Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is ready to go
to college. Before he leaves, he discovers a broken piece
of the cube from the first film, the one that can turn any
inanimate object into a Transformer. Instantly, his mind
is filled with bizarre symbols that somehow relate to the
ongoing war between the Autobots and the Decepticons. ***
Once he’s in school, he occasionally has severe mental
overloads, causing him to talk incoherently and write out
all the symbols in his head. With the help of his techno-geek
roommate, Leo Spitz (Ramon Rodriguez), and his girlfriend,
Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox), Sam tracks down the flustered
Agent Simmons (John Turturro), who now works behind the
counter of his mother’s deli. Simmons has reason to believe
that the Transformers have been among us for thousands of
years. ***
The Autobots, meanwhile, have since allied themselves
with Earth armies to track down and destroy any Decepticons
that have been in hiding. But it’s a very shaky alliance,
especially now that Decepticons are arriving from outer
space and destroying major cities all over the world. ***
A highly distrustful government official named Galloway
(John Benjamin Hickey) seems to believe that they’re only
after the Autobots, not only because the remaining shard
of the cube is under heavy lock and key, but also because
the evil Megatron is slowly decaying at the bottom of the
ocean. The leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime (voiced
by Peter Cullen), knows that Galloway is wrong and turns
to Sam for help. ***
Up in space, there awaits the malevolent Decepticon
known only as The Fallen (voiced by Tony Todd), who, as
the title suggests, wants revenge against Earth and the
Autobots. Why? Who cares? Let’s just leave it at this: If
he didn’t want revenge, there wouldn’t be a movie. ***
Back to Sam and his pals. They end up in the Egyptian
desert for one reason or another and make a remarkable discovery
in one of the three Pyramids. This, in turn, leads to the
climactic battle between the Decepticons, Optimus Prime,
and the American military. Funny how the Egyptian military
(or any random Egyptian, for that matter) fails to notice
that the Pyramids are being blown and smashed to smithereens.
***
No matter; we’re only supposed to pay attention to the
action, and boy, is there a lot of it. I will say that I
kind of liked the Transformer that used its mouth as a gigantic
vacuum cleaner, sucking up sand as if it lived off of the
stuff. Naturally, its throat is nothing more than a series
of metal gears meant to grind whatever it sucks up into
fine fragments. ***
But wait--I haven’t even gotten to the “funny” parts
yet. In the course of this movie, we see a mini Transformer
ravishing Mikaela’s leg like a dog, Sam’s beloved Bumblebee
Camero SS crying at the thought of being abandoned, and
Sam’s mother (Julie White) accidentally eating a marijuana-laced
brownie, after which she acts like a reject from a vaudeville
slapstick routine. ***
As if this weren’t bad enough, two Transformers in particular
cross the fine line between satire and insensitivity; disguised
as a pair of compact hatchbacks, twins Skids and Mudflap
(voiced by Tom Kenny and Reno Wilson) constantly argue with
each other using slang-heavy ghetto street talk. The filmmakers
take the stereotype one step further by giving one of them
a gold tooth. This isn’t funny. It’s not even mildly amusing.
It wouldn’t be appropriate in any movie, let alone the sequel
to “Transformers.” ***
I enjoy escapist entertainment as much as the next
person. But my God, something went horribly wrong when Michael
Bay decided to make two films based on action figures. “Transformers:
Revenge of the Fallen” is such a miserable experience, so
loud, so visually unappealing, so terrible at finding a
balance between action and humor. The story is jam-packed,
but not with anything of interest or value. ***
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